Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
