So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
