guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I need to stop coming to work sober
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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