I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
