There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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