I puked a lego.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
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I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
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............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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