I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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