I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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