i wish there were pregnant emoticons
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
God, I missed his penis.
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