It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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