Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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