I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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