I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
