he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
