i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
