He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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