Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
