You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
