ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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