Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
