Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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