i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
