no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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