I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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