final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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