We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
