She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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