remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
