Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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