u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
