Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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