My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
