wakey wakey hands off snakey
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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