I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
