the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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