True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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