i think my tv is drunk
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
