i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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