wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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