I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
