Just cropdusted the office
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
