They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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