Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
