You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm bleeding and have questions
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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