Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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