Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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