I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
