I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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