ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
