If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
