i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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