Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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