i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
