omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
