Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
