when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
